Stan Crow's Corner: Resources from Rite of Passage Journeys

Stan Answers:

In his new book on human development, Bill Plotkin speaks to this directly, “Early Adolescents need a testing ground, a place of healing and mirror other than, and wider and deeper than, the one provided by mom and dad, or for that matter, anything found in the village.” What I know is that it is time for a well-led rite of passage experience to happen for you and the family as well as for him. The hub of his life is in transition from his family to a wider circle. A rite of passage is meant to help him see this and to help the family acknowledge this in order to develop a new relationship.

For his own healthy development, he needs an opportunity to work through his need to individuate – to break from the sense that someone else is in charge (he probably identifies that someone as you) and to come to the realization that he must take more responsibility for his own relationships, his own actions, his personal care and the care of others.  This task needs to be facilitated by someone beyond the family circle.

Strategically, the last thing you should do is spring this on your son.  I talk about the importance of  “Seeding the Clouds” – finding ways to present the idea to him -- a son or daughter of Jewish friends or a schoolmate going through a Bar or Bat Mitzvah might provide the opportunity to talk with your son about your wanting a similar opportunity for him;  “find” an article on a rite of passage and use it to open a conversation about your hope for him.  Ask us to send you a promotional card to use as the door opener.

Seek an agreement with other adults who are involved in his life, to support this idea and provide them with information about rites of passage and youth development.

Be honest with him about your desire to give him this experience. Emphasize his growing up (the next 4-6 years will be a short time). Encourage him to challenge himself to grow in many ways in addition to his interests in technology.  (Journeys programs provide the opportunity for him to stretch himself physically, interpersonally, in his relationship with the natural world, in exploring his own thoughts and questions, and his own sacred connections – youth have the opportunity to share from their own strengths and learn from the strengths of others.)

Work to remove his objections, negotiate, recruit someone to go through the program with him.  Know that it may take more than one conversation. Hang tough and don’t get discouraged. Other moms have succeeded and so can you.